SPIRITUAL CRISIS occurs when the value system of our life, the essence of our identity, what we believe at the core of our being to be true, proves false.
Spiritual crisis is the outcome of faith disintegrated.
But faith in what? This is the key.
Sometimes God orchestrates spiritual crisis because He wants us to understand we are trusting in something other than Him. And, often we are.
But what happens to the heart of a faithful Christian, one dedicated to loving and serving God with all of our heart – when it seems as though, God Himself is the one letting us down? This is the toughest kind to get through.
Spiritual crisis may occur through a sudden tragic loss when the unimaginable has happened and God did not prevent it.
Or, it may be slow, insidious and corrosive. After years of loss and disappointment pile up into a heap of unanswered prayers that mock God’s power to save, heal and deliver.
Disillusionment stings the soul with a slow acting venom that seeps into the fragile membrane of faith and robs it of life. Leaving us hallow. Numb. Going through the motions with a heart buried beneath the rubble of life’s debris.
This is how it happened for me.
MY “KLEENEX BOX” DECLARATION!
In 1998, after nearly fifteen years of Christian ministry, I found myself in spiritual crisis. Empty. Void. Bewildered. Disillusion. Disappointed. And done.
A series of “faith blows” had washed over my life like a storm hitting the beach with ever increasing ferocity. My precious son was acting out in frightening teenage rebellion. I blamed myself. Of course it was my fault. Guilt tormented me.
I was in relationship meltdown with close family members.
Dear friends, who served on the board of my ministry, turned against me and walked out; accusing me of wanting to build my own kingdom rather than God’s. I was crushed.
Religious abuse and pastoral manipulation at church had left me shaken and questioning God. How can a man of God behave in such despicable ways? He was truly gifted & anointed – but he was using his charismatic personality to fool and mislead people. Multitudes were hurt by him. Yet people were responding to the alter calls and being saved. I was confused. Hurt. Questioning – everything. How could a loving God let this happen? Any of it? All of it?
Well, God doesn’t. People do… I do.
One morning I cried through an entire box of Kleenex and made a declaration:
“God – I will NEVER go into ministry again until I know, that I know, that I know… YOU YOU love ME. Not the other guy – me!”
I believed John 3:16 like any good Christian. But in this place of utter crisis and despair, I realized I did not believe in – or experience – God’s personal love for me.
After making this declaration – a thought occurred to me – “I don’t remember dad ever saying, ‘I love you.’ Hmm… I bet this affected me more than I think…”
Really? Ya think? Kind of a no-brainer – but at the time this was a new thought for me. And – I had been a Christian minister, operating in the gifts of the Holy Spirit – effectively – for years. Why was I falling apart now?
Because the unhealed wound in my “daughter” soul was unable to accept and experience the love of my Heavenly Father. The waves of betrayal, confusion and religious abuse crashed against the house I had built on the ‘sand’ of lies I believed about myself and God.
Crisis shows up in our lives to let us know – something needs to change. What we’ve been doing isn’t working. It’s time to do something different.
The healing journey is multifaceted. And takes time. There is no instant fix to years of pain. We have a part to play and God has a part to play. God WILL NOT do our part. And we CANNOT do His!
God’s supernatural intervention – that part that ONLY HE CAN DO – showed up in the form of a dream.
RESTORED TO THE LOVE SONG – THROUGH A DREAM!
One night I went to my sister Debbie’s house where she shared about the splendid “Love Song” between God and His people, as seen through the Song of Solomon.
We listened to a worship song being sung by an anointed worshiper who spontaneously sang her love song to Jesus from a heart overflowing with passion and devotion.
As I listened to her sing, I thought, “I used to do that. I used to lead worship and break out into spontaneous Spirit-filled worship. I used to sing to Jesus just like this woman. And now, nothing. There is no song left. Not a note.” This part of me was gone. Dead and buried under a pile of rubble.
As I drove home, tears slipping down my cheeks, I felt so alone. So far away from God. And I had absolutely no way to get back to Him. I had prayed, cried, declared, stormed, ranted, raved, and cried some more. I had repented for my part in all the relationship breakdowns in my life. I had done all I knew to do. Yet here I was distant from God with no way back to Him.
I spoke these words out loud into the night, “Jesus, you are going to have to leave the ninety-nine and come and get me. I can’t find my way back.”
In this moment – I let go. I had done my part – to the best of my ability. It was time for God to step in and do what only He can do. He sent me a dream.
MY DREAM EXPERIENCE
The following morning at dawn, I was singing in a dream with the most beautiful voice I had ever heard. It was perfect. Glorious. Magnificent.
It was so ‘other than’ any music on earth – I was harmonizing with a heavenly symphony of exquisite music and angelic instrumentation.
God’s love consumed me. Worship exuded from every pore of my essence. It was exhilarating.
As I slowly came into awareness, I was still singing – yet able to hear the song being sung.
Then… Jesus spoke to me, “Your heart never stopped singing to Me.”
I wept with joy. The exhilaration I felt in the dream was present in my waking world – and the BOLDER of rubble, the debris of loss, disappointment and disillusionment – EVAPORATED! In an instant as if it had never happened. It was like going back in time and connecting with who I was ‘then’ with who I am ‘now.’
In the reality of the spirit realm – my heart of love always sings to Jesus – even when my soul is paralyzed by hurt and lost. What an astounding revelation!
SPIRITUAL KEY OF REVELATION
This supernatural encounter exhibited Scriptural truth:
“So if you were raised along with the Messiah, then seek the things above, where the Messiah is sitting at the right hand of God. Focus your minds on the things above, not on things here on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with the Messiah in God” (Col 3:1-3 CJB).
My born-again ‘self’ is seated with Messiah – actually in Messiah. I am NEVER – not born-again! Whether I am buried under a pile of rubble – or leading a prayer walk through the streets of the city – I am always IN Messiah!
Through a dream – Jesus set me free to experience the abundant joy that He died to share with me. In Jesus – there is always joy. In Jesus – I had really never actually gone anywhere. I had just been buried under a myriad of lies that blocked out the shine and presence of His love. And hindered me from hearing my own love song – alive and well in the Spirit.